Getting Through Anniversaries After a Divorce
I’ve always enjoyed holidays, especially romantic ones. So for me, Valentine’s Day and anniversaries were major, even with the smallest sweetest gestures. I love to celebrate love, especially my love. However, how does a person like me who looks forward to such days prepare for them after divorce? When there is no more love. How do you not allow yourself to become stale or tainted from a book that was meant to last, ending mid chapter.
I remember preparing for our anniversary to arrive last year. I had already been moved out for three months, the divorce was filed and about a month away from being final. I was in mixed feelings of how I would or should feel once the day actually arrived. I wasn’t sure if I would be sad, happy, upset or disappointed. Honestly, I was a mix of all of them.
“I did what felt good for me.”
In true Aisha fashion, I ensured that my weekend was booked and busy. I figured the more I had to do, the less I’d have to think about my feelings. However, also in Aisha fashion, I tried to put a positive spin on it. I chose to celebrate myself the entire weekend. Our anniversary, whether we celebrated in a big or small way, was a time for us to do things we enjoyed. So I decided to doll myself up and do things that I enjoyed. Instead of celebrating us, I chose to celebrate myself instead.
I booked a hair appointment for the first time in months. I bought myself flowers. I spent a full day with myself exploring and checking out places for the first time like The Cake Bake Shop. I had a night out on the town with some friends and attended a women’s empowerment brunch hosted by Brandi from Go Off Sis. I even served as a panelist at a local event for high school scholars. Like I said, completely busy! However, I did what felt good for me.
“Mourn if you need to.”
For some, their instinct may have been to try to push the date out of their minds. Try to forget it ever happened as a method of numbing the feelings now attached to the date. It is important to remember that grief happens during and after divorce. So many things become triggers to that grief and the mental processing of those feelings. So it’s okay to feel through it. Mourn if you need to. So while I kept myself busy, I did give myself time to reflect, reminisce and honestly cry about the life that was no longer.
It can be difficult to process thoughts or even share them after divorce because people see long lasting marriages as success stories, me included. However, what about marriages that don’t work, aren’t healthy or it’s toxic? I see so many people staying in marriages that they don’t want, with people they have zero interest in being with but they’re staying. They may be sleeping in separate rooms for years, work alternate shifts to avoid one another or only communicate about their children. Are they successful too? There’s no judgement there, because I totally get it. I was there and considered doing just the same. However, today is also a reminder that we choose to do what was best for us regardless of the opinions of others.
“Love remains even if the love evolves.”
Today, we would have been married for six years. This year, compared to last, the sting is a little less in realizing that. Realizing that chapter is actually done. I am able to think back to that day six years ago and remember that I had a life with a good friend, we enjoyed good years together and were gifted a son from that time. That I will cherish. So I choose not to think of today as a reminder of what was and what should have been but a reminder that life happens but love remains even if the love evolves.
