Co-Parenting as Black Divorced Parents

It has almost been a year since my divorce was finalized by the court. I remember being in such mixed feelings a year ago. Not necessarily about whether or not we were making the right decision but mixed about the life I was left to create moving forward for myself and my son. Even during the difficult months of separation and divorcing, we tried our hardest to not add additional stress to our then 1 year old son, who had just witnessed his mother moving out of the home. I remember wanting it to workout just for him. Just so he didn’t have to go through life feeling like he never had a whole family. However, that’s not how things worked out. 

I realized that our happiness as individuals was just as important as forcing something to work for our son because that forceful living would inadvertently impact his happiness. It would teach him that when he grows up, his need to be happy, be loved and unconditionally cared for doesn’t matter as long as he’s “just staying together”. Coming from parents who’ve been married for over 30 years, I never imagined myself divorcing. However, I know that keeping myself happy and doing what’s best for me, keeps my son happy and teaches him valuable lessons as well. 

One of the most valuable tools that came from our divorce was the “Children Coping with Divorce” class that was mandated for us to attend. We actually went together. It didn’t just teach us about what it would be like for our son now but what it may be like for him as he got older. After hearing stories of other couples, we left that class knowing exactly how we didn’t want to be, for each other and him. I get so tired of people generalizing dynamics between black co-parents and the rhetoric that healthy co-parenting relationships don’t exist.

I often receive direct messages from women asking me for advice regarding co-parenting or sharing their disappointment that they’d never have a co-parenting relationship that looks like ours. Trust me, we are not perfect. We have our disagreements and times where we don’t speak besides parenting related topics. However, we continue to both do the best we can and try in our own way to make the best of where we are now. 

Here are a few rules, mantras and ideas that I live by when approaching co-parenting: 

For our son’s consistency, we must align

I think back to when we were married and only expecting, we had many conversations about how we wanted our child to be raised. Everything from how we would discipline our child, feed him and daily routines. Just because we aren’t together anymore doesn’t mean that parenting style disappears. So we didn’t abandon that because having that consistency in both homes is so important in raising him. 

We can’t control each other’s homes

Although we are aligned on how we are raising him, we don’t have any control over each other’s homes. So if I go there and he’s preparing or doing something in a way that I wouldn’t, I have no say in that. I don’t live there. I also have no say so in how quickly he gets something either. 

We have nothing outside of our son and respect to argue about

Whenever we have a disagreement or tension, I reflect on what we’re really arguing about. If what we’re arguing about doesn’t have anything to do with our son, then it needs to be dropped. If it doesn’t have anything to do with mutual respect for each other, then it needs to be dropped. I have found that when real tension comes, it is usually because we are frustrated with something relational and about the past. There’s no point in arguing about a past when we were together if we aren’t going to be together moving forward.

Even separate, we are still a family

Although we aren’t together as a couple, we are Tristan’s parents. For us, it’s important for him to see us as that. When we go on to create new relationships, we will have blended families in the future. To help with this, once per month or every other month, we do something together with him. I think with him being a toddler, that makes this even more important. As his mother, I don’t want to miss a lot of firsts or moments and his dad doesn’t either. So the more we can do together, the better. 

I understand that everyone’s dynamics are different and some people are extremely difficult to co-exist with in a harmonious way. I also understand that I didn’t have a messy or nasty divorce. However, when you have any control or ability to contribute to a healthy co-parenting relationship, it definitely takes effort on both parts for it to work. It takes time and it won’t always be the same. It may not look like what I’ve described, but if you can improve any unhealthy dynamics between you two, then that’s progress. The goal with co-parenting isn’t perfection. The goal with co-parenting is creating an atmosphere for your child(ren) to thrive, feel loved and be well.